Bramble On #4: April Fools' Assessment

This assessment today isn't about technical gameplay, cool innovations, or anything educational. this is about Skeletal Grimace, Goblin Bombardment, and 5 idiots.

So, why is the cover art for this post a Skeletal Grimace, you ask? This inside joke begins with a common theme; validation. See, the Orlando playgroup has to put up with me and my derisive comments about others' deck building and Magic-playing prowess. Call it elitism. You would say, you should be nicer to them; I would say, look who you're dealing with; Evan and CJ, who want nothing more than to kamikaze each other, Gyula, who's only objective is to 'not care about the game' and finally Jav, who's the only player with victory in his sights to be crushed by the aftermath of an Austere Command cast out of malice and hate. What does all of this mean? I'm playing with a bunch of emotionally driven fools; and it's fucking hilarious. I love Casual Magic for the politics and the out-of-game elements at work during the game that keeps it fresh and unpredictable.

So after discussing some Magic related topics, Evan asked what I thought about some of the decks in our metagame. Once we reached Jav's version of Kaalia of the Vast. I didn't know what to really say, so I gave a slight grin. With that grin, I remembered the art of Skeletal Grimace and decided to show Evan the card and said 'this is my response.' After he giggled for several minutes, he decided to text Jav my response and Jav took it with many grains of salt. Since I tend to win a majority of the games we play, I'm frequently asked 'what do you think of my deck?' I don't know how to answer this question objectively or without hurting anyone's feelings. So, my response will forever be Skeletal Grimace.

Skeletal Grimace also got an honorable mention during the POOVOO -Podcast that Evan, Jav, and myself did this past Saturday. If you'd like to check it out, click HERE.

This next one has a less interesting foundation, but is just pure awesome. Someone asked my why I put Goblin Bombardment in my Intet EDH deck and I didn't know what else to say other than a sacrifice outlet and I didn't want to use Greater Good. Plus, sac your guy and shoot them for 1? How's that not cool? One game, Evan was playing Jenara and cast a Sundering Titan, then made a copy. Unfortunately, I had no choice but to use Into the Core on the pair and C.J. and I were left with nothing but our nonbasic lands. After a few turns of pummeling Evan to death for his insolence with our small creature force, he cast a Stonehorn Dignitary to prevent my attacks as he stabilized at 2 life. I peeled off the next card and what do you know? I laid my enchantment on the board and shot Evan's last pair of life points, consequentially sending him to the shadow realm.

GOBLIN BOMBARDMENT KILL #1!!

The next bit is pretty grand. After C.J. resolved a Defense of the Heart and Gyula holding a lot of angst against me for killing off his general, I was looking at a really quick death coming my way. I didn't do much but play lands and lay an early Goblin Bombardment. After a huge battle, and C.J.'s 2 HUGE misplays, the board stabilized with everyone at 20 something life. This allowed me to get in a Genesis Wave for 15 which grabbed me 10 lands. Frustrating. Then I found a Regrowth and looked at my graveyard for something useful. With a bunch of cards, I found Avenger of Zendikar hiding underneath some fetch lands. Hm. I cast Avenger of Zendikar. I asked what Gyula what his life total was. He responded with 22. I then took 22 of my 23 plant tokens and machine gunned him for 22. He thought it was hilarious. KILL NUMBER 2.

After wiping Gyula away. I wanted to kill C.J., but it had to be done with style. I dug a few cards deep while he struggled against my huge arsenal of lands. I eventually found an Into the Roil. Sweet. I used the spell to bounce Avenger and recast it on the same turn and committed what C.J. would call 'a drive by shooting' for 24 points. YEAH! I think it was the first game where after we all scooped up our cards and started walking to our cars, everyone seemed happy. Smiles everywhere, Skeletal Grimaces for all.

Goblin Bombardment Victims: 3.. and counting

Who will be next? Maybe it will be you!

Interested in more Magic content? Check out the Bramble On series on the MTG Casual Network Archive!

-David J.

Follow us on Facebook!